Chapter Fourteen: Chef

Whose bacon is this?

God, this life of mine. Why is it so difficult to commit to a decision…I’m commit to literally anything. That was the point of this blog. I’m doing an incredibly mediocre job at that just like the rest of my fucking life. I’m suck in such a ridiculous and pathetic rut. Again. How many fucking times do I have to do this?! I get to a certain point and then I want to run away, start over, just wash my hands of my life…

What happens every time is I leave, more broken than I started, and I just keep becoming less and less of a person. I’m broke, there’s like 48% of myself left.

I hate it. Fuck.

Why can’t I just do what I love, love myself, and love the others around me?

“I may not do everything great in my life, but I’m good at this. I manage to touch people’s lives with what I do and I want to share this with you.” -Chef

Chapter Thirteen: Endless Waltz

Remember that time you felt amazing about your body? That picture you love of yourself? That memory of the perfect outfit, that perfect night, that perfect time?

Why isn’t that everyday?

I wonder a lot why things are the way they are. It feels cruel sometimes. I’m a big believer in not blaming my weight on anyone but myself. My genetics call for me to be tall, big footed, blue eyed, and chubby. Both sides of family are at unhealthy weights, has histories of alcoholism, heart failure, high blood pressure, fertility issues, smoking, and cancer. Just my genetics alone should scare the LIVING SHIT out of me. My own health concerns are not only that I am, in fact, obese at 40.7 BMI, I also have previously had pre-cancerous cells on my uterus, ankle injuries, and then there’s, of course, the whole depression and anxiety thing. I can also struggle with drinking. I have to work hard to not drink when I’m upset, I’ve promised myself to not ever drink when I’m sad. I worry that my blood pressure will spike, my knees will give out, or that I’ll end up diabetic. Again, you know, should scare you into taking better care of yourself–right?

But, I look at everything above and I think…these are things I can’t control (besides the weight). I don’t blame my anyone but myself.

I’ve lost a significant amount of weight twice. Once in 2007 and once in 2014. They were both incredibly different situations. At 20 I was looking to impress a boy and at 27 I was just looking to impress anyone. Both were for the wrong reasons. I’ve been married twice, which means to wedding dresses to fit into–still no motivation. I went to France–no motivation. I went on a cruise– no motivation.

One thing I know for sure, I’m not motivated to take care of myself. This makes me feel a little at a loss.

I don’t think I’ll ever get anywhere without figuring out why.

this-is-me

“History is much like an endless waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.” – Endless Waltz

 

Chapter Twelve: Terrific Tailspin

Rollercoasters are only fun at an amusement park, not if it’s your life.

You may (or may not) have noticed that my posting has slowed. Here’s the struggle I have. When things are good, they feel really good and somehow I feel like I don’t have any anxiety and have no reason to be depressed. That all sounds great, right? The problem is that it’s just a cover, it’s not real, it’s just a bandaid. As soon as there’s a snag there’s a brutal fall from Cloud Nine.

Just five minutes ago, whilst having a delightful night, I stepped on the cat’s foot. If you’re a cat owner, you know this happens from time to time as kitties are quiet and sneak up on you. Someone else’s mood drops and thus goes my own mood. Yes, I’m someone who feeds off of others’ mood. It’s awful and I hate it.

Right now, I feel like crying. I feel like an elephant sat on my chest and like the world is going to end. My mind races to fix the disaster that I’ve caused. I think about all of the dumb things I’ve done. Why am I not surprised that I did something as stupid as that? Do I apologize? Do I make some food? Clean? How can I make him not upset, not annoyed with me right now? I feel like I have to tiptoe around. How long will this last? If I speak my truth, I know I’ll cry and then I’ll get no response, and there will be more annoyance there and I will feel weak. I’ll look like a giant baby.

It’s a collapse that feel like it was just a long time coming. I feel like I deserve it. When did this all start?

I remember a time in my life where I never cried about anything, there are very few things I remember shedding a tear for:

  1. Mitch Bosch asked a friend to dance with him at the 8th grade dance, after that friend knew I liked him. She said yes. By the time I got home, I was done crying and was just pissed at him (and her).
  2.  Next, I remember when I had my first breakup and I bawled, just weeped, sobbed, and even yelled at my dad who came in to check on me. This was at age 20.
  3. Then, my husband at the time told me he “couldn’t do this anymore,” told me I disgusted him, and he wanted a divorce. Later I begged, cried, prayed, and did everything to maintain that relationship. In the end, I found out he was cheating on me, so my opinion changed quickly.
  4. My grandfather died in 2013, three weeks before my second wedding. I didn’t cry while visiting him in the hospital the week prior. I didn’t cry when my family did. Then, when the nurse came in and asked about his DNR order and he looked at me with his big brown eyes, I held it together only long enough to tell my grandmother that she was needed in the room.
  5. Less than a day later after pulling myself together, I broke in the hallway. I walked away from my family and tried to hide, and bawled. My grandmother, whose husband was dying, comforted me. It was awful. I never want to relive the pain of those two days again.
  6. My second husband told me a year or so later, that he didn’t want to have a kid. What was I supposed to do?
  7. My first night in an apartment alone. After leaving my husband because of him not wanting kids, and walking away from my best friend (and my cat), I ate a piece of cake, an entire pizza, drank a bottle of wine, and cried. I was alone.

Other than Mitch Bosch breaking my heart each of these times have been in the past decade. I didn’t mention all of the tears I’ve shed since that night in my apartment.

Why am I so broken?

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Chapter Eleven: The Hots and Snots

Fashion Note: A neatly folded kleenex in your giant flannel shirt pocket can really jazz up your pajamas.

That’s right! I’m sick. I just finished my week of vacation and ended up with a head cold. Today I’m finally getting snot up. Full disclosure here…wait, I was supposed to say that first.

My thoughts recently have been positive, mostly. I had to push my book release date back to an unknown day and that has me bummed out. I put a lot of work into it while I was off but it still isn’t done. I just don’t want to let anyone down…or myself.

I’ve been trying to focus on things that I can control like my other creative activities such as watercolors. That made me sound like an 80 year old…most of my hobbies make me sounds like an 80 year old though. Oh well.

“Give me a museum and I’ll fill it.” -Pablo Picasso

Chapter Ten: Paris et Cuisine

Paris is heaven, Paris is home.

I know I’ve talked about Paris previously and I’ll probably talk about it many more times. It’s gorgeous, vibrant, and delicious. If you’ve been to Europe you’ve surely taken the train or the metro somewhere. That smell of the train station is heaven to me. When I’m in Chicago and ride the L, it reminds me of it. Sometimes early in the morning when I’m walking into work from the parking lot and it rained the night before, I smell it. I’ll stop, close my eyes, and breath it in.

This evening I was in the mood to cook, so I put on “Julie & Julia.” It gets my creative cooking juices going. I used some leftover stuffing and gravy with it, just as a side note. I cooked lean beef burgers from Yoders Meats in Shipshewana that I apparently hid away in my freezer for months. I made some instant potatoes and added an absurd amount of european style Land of Lakes butter to it. I’m a firm believer in not making something if the pre-made is just as delicious. Myself, I don’t mind instant potatoes–especially when I don’t have any real potatoes. I cooked down a shallot in salt, pepper, evoo, and a rosemary salt mix that accidently added when reaching for my pepper. After cooking the burgers, I added sliced smoked gouda and the shallots on top until melted, and then topped it with the stuffing. I put down a bed of potatoes, set the burgers on them, then topped the entire dish with gravy. I called it Thanksgiving Manhattan…it was delicious. I mean it.

The most important part of this is that it made me so happy. I didn’t feel depressed for the first time in months. I feel recharged and ready to tackle my book thanks to cooking and Paris.I feel like I’ve let a breath out that I’ve been holding forever.

“Paris is always a good idea.” -Audrey Hepburn

No happy or sad lists today. 🙂 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Nine: Oil and Water

If only half of yourself is present at any point in time, does that make you crazy?

Asking for a friend.

I’ve struggled with this dream life for years. I call it that, only because it’s not my real life–not because it’s what I dream at night (my dreams are very vivid and are for another day). You know the one that dream life you think you’ll have if you win the lottery or the one that you imagined yourself having at twelve. How many of us out there thought they were going to be Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend or the next Kobe Bryant? I’ve always thought
those dreams were dumb. For one I’ve always thought Justin was a little on the short side and I’ve never been good at basketball contrary to anyone I came in contact with’s thoughts from age 10-14. efcc3c0ccccc1e36891e9d0e9f28a20d

The point being I had this dream life in my head for a long time, yet I continue to seek out a life that isn’t that. Is it settling or not caring or just plain laziness? I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s a large chunk of who I am and my life. Sometimes I think I’m just pretending to be someone throughout the day so I can avoid people and confrontation. In order to avoid another paralyzingly sad post I’m going to talk about my dream life. I call it this because it makes me happy and my real life does not.

I fall asleep imagining myself somewhere else. When life gets too hard, I go there. When I can’t even function in my real life, I go there. I think there’s an underlining theme in my life that’s a mix of stubbornness and spite. Here’s the best way I can explain it:

Real Life Me vs. Dream Life Me

Omg! Everyone is getting married! I should, too!

That’s dumb, I don’t need a man.

Look, now that I’m married, I should definitely pop out some kids.

Kids are loud, annoy, and expensive.

Oh, you think I should look at going back to school? 

That sounds expensive and like a waste of my time.

My real life conscience thinks like a normal person living their day to day life in 2016 then my dream life conscience thinks that the RL is a dumb ass with zero sense of adventure and zero ambition. Then my RL thinks my DL is being a silly, hippie that only wants to cause trouble for the sake of causing trouble.

Honestly the two of them are exhausting. It feels like I’m leading two lives and I already don’t have the energy for one. I’m not sure what the answer is to this. For now, I guess I’m let them fight.

“If you want to know where your heart is, see where your mind goes when it wanders.” -Imam Ali

Things Making Me Happy:

  • Imagining European travels
  • Cats
  • Being on vacation

Things Making Me Sad:

  • My book
  • My deadline passing for my book
  • Dealing with day to day life

 

Chapter Eight: 10 Things I Hate About You

You=My Life

In no particular order:

10. My bank account being at $10 and still over a week to go before I get paid.

9. My book is only on Chapter Four and I’m supposed to publish it next Wednesday.

8. The fact that I keep getting teary eyed.

7. That my job bores me to tears.

6. That some days I feel like driving off the road.download

5. I can’t find a reason to get up in the morning.

4. I have no ambition.

3. I can’t see my happy ending anymore.

2. I don’t think I’ll ever find someone who can truly love me.

  1. I hate myself.

“My tongue will tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart concealing it will break.” – William Shakespeare: The Taming of the Shrew

Things the makes me sad

  • Everything
  • It all makes me mad and every other emotion, too

Things that make me happy

  • My cat

 

 

 

Chapter Seven: Money, Coffee, and Other Things You Need

Remember when you didn’t worry about your money situation? 

Yeah, I really enjoyed being five, too. 

I know it’s like a “thing” now to say how much you hate being an adult. You can even buy a shirt about it, but seriously, I hate it. The part I hate most is the money. The alcohol and freedom to stay out past ten is great–but the money part sucks. Debt is a hard thing to overcome. It’s like any addiction, once you start it’s hard to stop. It’s hard to imagine when I barely had any debt and when I do it pisses me off because I have so much now. I have no idea usually what I use that credit card money for. The times I remember are when I have to use it to buy gas or groceries. When I feel the worst is when I’m with friends and I have to use it at Starbucks or a restaurant. They don’t know that I had to put that $3.50 Grande Americano on a credit card–that I couldn’t afford $3.50 that day.7242a8fed51873fa18113635b1a0ab65

It’s depressing AND embarrassing. The more I spend the more I ignore the problem and sweep it under the rug. I’ve tried to track my expenses, do a register, put more towards my high interest card, read Dave Ramsey…I can’t stick to anything. Yes, this is a theme in my life. GOD FORBID I FINISH SOMETHING!

In any case, today I had to check my available balance on my credit and I have just enough to get groceries. I have to save what’s in my bank account for my phone bill. How do people do it? You know, get debt-free? It’s frustrating that I can’t get myself to some kind of sturdy financial place. I’m broke…and you know what I did? I ordered a pizza. It was like I can be poor and unhappy and hungry, or I can be poor and unhappy and not hungry. It’s decisions like this that point to why my life blows, and why I’ve ended up where I am.

Is it something where you become more aware of what you do? I think it’s more that I know what the result/punishment is of these decisions and for whatever terrible reason I don’t care. I worry about the result/punishment, have anxiety over it, but in the end I don’t care and then I’m depressed about it afterwards. Fucking pizza.

“There seems to be no repercussions for the behavior. It’s starting to feel chaotic and lawless.” -Reese Witherspoon

This that made me sad today:

  • Money
  • Food
  • Weight
  • Life

Things that made me happy today:

  • Bob’s Burgers: Gene and Courtney Show (Season 6: Episode 7)

Chapter Six: My Aunt That Visits

Chapter Six is brought to you by:

MY RAGING HORMONES! YAY! 🙂

Today was a weird day. I felt good in so many ways yet when I stopped I felt all of the emotion, heartbreak, and sadness just suffocate me. Needless to say I had to take another anxiety pill. On top of feeling overly emotional–my period is late. Sorry, guys, that’s just an added bonus on my depressing lifestyle right now.

img_20161103_193634Sometimes when I get really sad I imagine a good memory and live it again in my mind. I feel like, if I remember it well enough I can will myself back to that place where I was happy. I often think of my short time in Paris. Even though it was with my ex-husband it was a still an amazing time for us–a once in a lifetime trip. Then again, I always wake up to the reality
that one, I’m no longer married, two, I’m not in Paris, and three, I’m not happy.

There’s so many things in my life that I just feel so empty about. Like, I can’t center myself anywhere. There’s no happy or sad for me anymore. It’s either faking smiles or emptiness. I feel nothing about everything and it’s exhausting.

I tried to start a conversation with my boyfriend tonight, and was told, nicely, that he was tired and hungry. To his credit, I understood that he was not in a mental place to have a good conversation and the fact that I was already crying I’m sure scared him off. I really need to work on this crying thing. You know, I never used to cry. Ever. Not even at funerals. That’s a story for another time.

In any case, I feel alone, even thought I do have friends that have been supportive–I don’t want to cut them short. However, there are just some days where…no matter what crowd you’re in whether it’s a million people or just one…you still feel alone.

“Illusion is need to disguise the emptiness within.” -Arthur Erickson

 

Things that made me sad today:

  • Almost everything

 

Things that made me happy today:

  • Donuts
  • Starbucks

 

 

Chapter Five: Crashing

You know what they say about car crashes and how you want to look away but can’t? That’s how I live day to day. 

I want to run away, change, be done, hide, fix–do anything but just be here–and yet I can’t. Why do I suddenly feel like I’m paralyzed from making any life decisions? OK, that’s only half true–if I’d ever been the type of decision making person I wouldn’t be thirty, hating my job, no kids, no future, no anything. Maybe I should’ve started this post with a warning, like, “WARNING: THIS POST WILL MAKE YOU FEEL TERRIBLE.” So I guess there’s your warning–don’t read this if you’re looking for encouragement. fuck-9986

I can’t wrap my head around what I want to do next in life. My mom asked me over a week ago what I want to do with the next five years and I’ve still figured out nothing. You know, in high school, they try to prepare you for adult life and put you on a successful path. I think they a.) gave me the wrong map or b.) said “fuck it–this girl’s crazy screwed no matter what.” Or both. I don’t know.

When I was in school I wanted to be a teacher, by my senior year I’d decided to major in English and minor in Music. I got into numerous schools and decided on a private Christian school (at the prodding of most of my family). I went to freshmen orientation and hated it. I ended up at a community college, then another christian school, then back at the community college and now with nothing. God, I feel like shit tonight. I wish I could tell you guys about how things are really turning around for me.

I’m flailing around, grasping at straws, whatever you want to call it…I’m crashing.

“She is stuck between who she is, who she wants to be, and who she should be.” -Anonymous

 

Things that made me sad today:

  • Pretty much everything

Things that made me happy today:

  • My friends who dressed up as the Bob’s Burgers cast with me for Halloween