Chapter Five: Crashing

You know what they say about car crashes and how you want to look away but can’t? That’s how I live day to day. 

I want to run away, change, be done, hide, fix–do anything but just be here–and yet I can’t. Why do I suddenly feel like I’m paralyzed from making any life decisions? OK, that’s only half true–if I’d ever been the type of decision making person I wouldn’t be thirty, hating my job, no kids, no future, no anything. Maybe I should’ve started this post with a warning, like, “WARNING: THIS POST WILL MAKE YOU FEEL TERRIBLE.” So I guess there’s your warning–don’t read this if you’re looking for encouragement. fuck-9986

I can’t wrap my head around what I want to do next in life. My mom asked me over a week ago what I want to do with the next five years and I’ve still figured out nothing. You know, in high school, they try to prepare you for adult life and put you on a successful path. I think they a.) gave me the wrong map or b.) said “fuck it–this girl’s crazy screwed no matter what.” Or both. I don’t know.

When I was in school I wanted to be a teacher, by my senior year I’d decided to major in English and minor in Music. I got into numerous schools and decided on a private Christian school (at the prodding of most of my family). I went to freshmen orientation and hated it. I ended up at a community college, then another christian school, then back at the community college and now with nothing. God, I feel like shit tonight. I wish I could tell you guys about how things are really turning around for me.

I’m flailing around, grasping at straws, whatever you want to call it…I’m crashing.

“She is stuck between who she is, who she wants to be, and who she should be.” -Anonymous


Things that made me sad today:

  • Pretty much everything

Things that made me happy today:

  • My friends who dressed up as the Bob’s Burgers cast with me for Halloween

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