Chapter Six is brought to you by:
MY RAGING HORMONES! YAY! 🙂
Today was a weird day. I felt good in so many ways yet when I stopped I felt all of the emotion, heartbreak, and sadness just suffocate me. Needless to say I had to take another anxiety pill. On top of feeling overly emotional–my period is late. Sorry, guys, that’s just an added bonus on my depressing lifestyle right now.
Sometimes when I get really sad I imagine a good memory and live it again in my mind. I feel like, if I remember it well enough I can will myself back to that place where I was happy. I often think of my short time in Paris. Even though it was with my ex-husband it was a still an amazing time for us–a once in a lifetime trip. Then again, I always wake up to the reality
that one, I’m no longer married, two, I’m not in Paris, and three, I’m not happy.
There’s so many things in my life that I just feel so empty about. Like, I can’t center myself anywhere. There’s no happy or sad for me anymore. It’s either faking smiles or emptiness. I feel nothing about everything and it’s exhausting.
I tried to start a conversation with my boyfriend tonight, and was told, nicely, that he was tired and hungry. To his credit, I understood that he was not in a mental place to have a good conversation and the fact that I was already crying I’m sure scared him off. I really need to work on this crying thing. You know, I never used to cry. Ever. Not even at funerals. That’s a story for another time.
In any case, I feel alone, even thought I do have friends that have been supportive–I don’t want to cut them short. However, there are just some days where…no matter what crowd you’re in whether it’s a million people or just one…you still feel alone.
“Illusion is need to disguise the emptiness within.” -Arthur Erickson
Things that made me sad today:
- Almost everything
Things that made me happy today: