Chapter Seven: Money, Coffee, and Other Things You Need

Remember when you didn’t worry about your money situation? 

Yeah, I really enjoyed being five, too. 

I know it’s like a “thing” now to say how much you hate being an adult. You can even buy a shirt about it, but seriously, I hate it. The part I hate most is the money. The alcohol and freedom to stay out past ten is great–but the money part sucks. Debt is a hard thing to overcome. It’s like any addiction, once you start it’s hard to stop. It’s hard to imagine when I barely had any debt and when I do it pisses me off because I have so much now. I have no idea usually what I use that credit card money for. The times I remember are when I have to use it to buy gas or groceries. When I feel the worst is when I’m with friends and I have to use it at Starbucks or a restaurant. They don’t know that I had to put that $3.50 Grande Americano on a credit card–that I couldn’t afford $3.50 that day.7242a8fed51873fa18113635b1a0ab65

It’s depressing AND embarrassing. The more I spend the more I ignore the problem and sweep it under the rug. I’ve tried to track my expenses, do a register, put more towards my high interest card, read Dave Ramsey…I can’t stick to anything. Yes, this is a theme in my life. GOD FORBID I FINISH SOMETHING!

In any case, today I had to check my available balance on my credit and I have just enough to get groceries. I have to save what’s in my bank account for my phone bill. How do people do it? You know, get debt-free? It’s frustrating that I can’t get myself to some kind of sturdy financial place. I’m broke…and you know what I did? I ordered a pizza. It was like I can be poor and unhappy and hungry, or I can be poor and unhappy and not hungry. It’s decisions like this that point to why my life blows, and why I’ve ended up where I am.

Is it something where you become more aware of what you do? I think it’s more that I know what the result/punishment is of these decisions and for whatever terrible reason I don’t care. I worry about the result/punishment, have anxiety over it, but in the end I don’t care and then I’m depressed about it afterwards. Fucking pizza.

“There seems to be no repercussions for the behavior. It’s starting to feel chaotic and lawless.” -Reese Witherspoon

This that made me sad today:

  • Money
  • Food
  • Weight
  • Life

Things that made me happy today:

  • Bob’s Burgers: Gene and Courtney Show (Season 6: Episode 7)

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