Chapter Nine: Oil and Water

If only half of yourself is present at any point in time, does that make you crazy?

Asking for a friend.

I’ve struggled with this dream life for years. I call it that, only because it’s not my real life–not because it’s what I dream at night (my dreams are very vivid and are for another day). You know the one that dream life you think you’ll have if you win the lottery or the one that you imagined yourself having at twelve. How many of us out there thought they were going to be Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend or the next Kobe Bryant? I’ve always thought
those dreams were dumb. For one I’ve always thought Justin was a little on the short side and I’ve never been good at basketball contrary to anyone I came in contact with’s thoughts from age 10-14. efcc3c0ccccc1e36891e9d0e9f28a20d

The point being I had this dream life in my head for a long time, yet I continue to seek out a life that isn’t that. Is it settling or not caring or just plain laziness? I don’t know. What I do know is that it’s a large chunk of who I am and my life. Sometimes I think I’m just pretending to be someone throughout the day so I can avoid people and confrontation. In order to avoid another paralyzingly sad post I’m going to talk about my dream life. I call it this because it makes me happy and my real life does not.

I fall asleep imagining myself somewhere else. When life gets too hard, I go there. When I can’t even function in my real life, I go there. I think there’s an underlining theme in my life that’s a mix of stubbornness and spite. Here’s the best way I can explain it:

Real Life Me vs. Dream Life Me

Omg! Everyone is getting married! I should, too!

That’s dumb, I don’t need a man.

Look, now that I’m married, I should definitely pop out some kids.

Kids are loud, annoy, and expensive.

Oh, you think I should look at going back to school? 

That sounds expensive and like a waste of my time.

My real life conscience thinks like a normal person living their day to day life in 2016 then my dream life conscience thinks that the RL is a dumb ass with zero sense of adventure and zero ambition. Then my RL thinks my DL is being a silly, hippie that only wants to cause trouble for the sake of causing trouble.

Honestly the two of them are exhausting. It feels like I’m leading two lives and I already don’t have the energy for one. I’m not sure what the answer is to this. For now, I guess I’m let them fight.

“If you want to know where your heart is, see where your mind goes when it wanders.” -Imam Ali

Things Making Me Happy:

  • Imagining European travels
  • Cats
  • Being on vacation

Things Making Me Sad:

  • My book
  • My deadline passing for my book
  • Dealing with day to day life

 

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