Chapter Twelve: Terrific Tailspin

Rollercoasters are only fun at an amusement park, not if it’s your life.

You may (or may not) have noticed that my posting has slowed. Here’s the struggle I have. When things are good, they feel really good and somehow I feel like I don’t have any anxiety and have no reason to be depressed. That all sounds great, right? The problem is that it’s just a cover, it’s not real, it’s just a bandaid. As soon as there’s a snag there’s a brutal fall from Cloud Nine.

Just five minutes ago, whilst having a delightful night, I stepped on the cat’s foot. If you’re a cat owner, you know this happens from time to time as kitties are quiet and sneak up on you. Someone else’s mood drops and thus goes my own mood. Yes, I’m someone who feeds off of others’ mood. It’s awful and I hate it.

Right now, I feel like crying. I feel like an elephant sat on my chest and like the world is going to end. My mind races to fix the disaster that I’ve caused. I think about all of the dumb things I’ve done. Why am I not surprised that I did something as stupid as that? Do I apologize? Do I make some food? Clean? How can I make him not upset, not annoyed with me right now? I feel like I have to tiptoe around. How long will this last? If I speak my truth, I know I’ll cry and then I’ll get no response, and there will be more annoyance there and I will feel weak. I’ll look like a giant baby.

It’s a collapse that feel like it was just a long time coming. I feel like I deserve it. When did this all start?

I remember a time in my life where I never cried about anything, there are very few things I remember shedding a tear for:

  1. Mitch Bosch asked a friend to dance with him at the 8th grade dance, after that friend knew I liked him. She said yes. By the time I got home, I was done crying and was just pissed at him (and her).
  2.  Next, I remember when I had my first breakup and I bawled, just weeped, sobbed, and even yelled at my dad who came in to check on me. This was at age 20.
  3. Then, my husband at the time told me he “couldn’t do this anymore,” told me I disgusted him, and he wanted a divorce. Later I begged, cried, prayed, and did everything to maintain that relationship. In the end, I found out he was cheating on me, so my opinion changed quickly.
  4. My grandfather died in 2013, three weeks before my second wedding. I didn’t cry while visiting him in the hospital the week prior. I didn’t cry when my family did. Then, when the nurse came in and asked about his DNR order and he looked at me with his big brown eyes, I held it together only long enough to tell my grandmother that she was needed in the room.
  5. Less than a day later after pulling myself together, I broke in the hallway. I walked away from my family and tried to hide, and bawled. My grandmother, whose husband was dying, comforted me. It was awful. I never want to relive the pain of those two days again.
  6. My second husband told me a year or so later, that he didn’t want to have a kid. What was I supposed to do?
  7. My first night in an apartment alone. After leaving my husband because of him not wanting kids, and walking away from my best friend (and my cat), I ate a piece of cake, an entire pizza, drank a bottle of wine, and cried. I was alone.

Other than Mitch Bosch breaking my heart each of these times have been in the past decade. I didn’t mention all of the tears I’ve shed since that night in my apartment.

Why am I so broken?

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


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