Chapter Four: People Are Dumb

Today was an interesting day.

That makes it sound too positive. I’m not sure what adjective to call the day, so we’ll just leave it there.

rodinthinkerIf you’ve read my bio you’ll know that I work at a bank. One of the branches that a close friend manages was robbed today. This is the second time this year that it’s been robbed. The good news is that there wasn’t a weapon this time. The thing that people don’t realize about banks is sometimes there’s no money. The way our bank runs is everything is on lock down, and we use Live Bankers–essentially you Skype with a teller that is in Indianapolis and dispenses your money out of a time locked unit. The same is true for the ONE teller drawer. So this moronic lady committed a felony just to not get enough money to pay rent. Stupid. At least do your research, criminals!

So, I went over to the branch to help with post-robbery items and the branch is OBVIOUSLY closed. There’s a sign on the door noting an emergency closing and lists the closest branches they can visit. Now remember that we have these Live Bankers–which there’s one in the drive-thru as well. So then normal day-to-day customers would park and walk up to the door and start just jerking on it, not bothering to read the TWO signs. Then someone them would just stand there peering in. What the hell? Are you that much of an idiot that you wouldn’t then read the sign if the doors were locked? Didn’t the FIVE police cars surrounding the bank deter you? People are dumb.

I am very easily annoyed with people and can become incredibly impatient and agitated. When I got home I had to sleep. The emotional roller coaster of starting my day with an audit that’s stressful, to the robbery which had me worried, to finding out everyone was OK so I was relieved, then on to annoyed by the folks yanking on doors, to pissed by the guy who pulled out in front of me then slammed on his breaks when I honked at him, to just exhausted. Tomorrow is another full day for me, hopefully it will be uneventful. Yeesh, I need to take a chill pill–like literally–I should go take some drugs.

“Life is hard; it’s even harder if you’re stupid.” -John Wayne

Things that made me sad today:

  • My friends being robbed
  • Not getting my housework done
  • My wrist

Things that made me happy today:

  • My two hour nap

 

Chapter Three: Brain Blasts

Drugs are fun and never have side-effects!

False. Drugs are not fun and they have plenty of dumb side-effects. By drugs, I specifically mean my Zoloft that I’m on to help with my anxiety and depression. The least fun part are the “brain blasts” I get from missing a day of pills. I asked my doctor about this symptom and he wanted to send me to a neurologist. I did 9158596my own research and found that when you’re in withdraw from Zoloft and similar medication you can get this symptom.

The best way to describe it is that moment where you doze off and but then suddenly you wake up and you feel that whiplash, then at the same time every finger and toe are being shocked. It’s like I blackout for a millisecond. So this isn’t bad if it’s just every once in a great while. However, when I miss a day of pills I’ll have like five in a row, and it gives me more anxiety and I get restless. I’ll clench and unclench my fists and have to give myself a second to readjust. This is very uncomfortable when I’m driving. I have to concentrate really hard.

You might say, “Mal, why don’t you take your pills everyday then?” And to you I say, “you’re not my real mom.” Nah, but, really, it’s hard. I’m a very scattered brained person! That’s part of the reason I’m on the meds to begin with! YEESH!

The best thing I do is to let my staff know that this is happening to me. I’m lucky enough to have two guys on my staff that are super understanding and supportive through all my drama. I feel guilty sometimes for all the drama, but I think we have fun.It’s nice to have guys to throw things off of and not always other women. I’m thankful for those two dorks. They definitely keep me on my toes and make me laugh even in the worst of mood.

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” -C. Bukowski

Things that made me sad today:

  • Declining someone’s loan
  • My dried out contact lenses
  • My bank account
  • The Walking Dead

Things that made me happy today:

  • My “boys”
  • Americano with five shots
  • Gorgeous fall weather

 

Chapter Two: Urban Dictionary

mallory:

Inexplicable. Describes a woman who is mean, bitchy, rude, and stuck up, yet beautiful, caring, funny, and lovable, all at the same time. She is an object of desire, lust, and adoration by all men (and even some women), and that of envy, jealousy, and hate by most women. She is amazing, in all aspects of the word.

“Wow that bitch was mean as hell. I want her. She’s such a fucking Mallory. I have to get her number!”

This is the Urban Dictionary of my name. It’s the most amazing description I’ve ever read. I think it perfectly describes me. It’s so polarizing of which I am. There are moments were I am a huge bad ass and then in the same moment I can be giving and kind. Reading about the above Mallory on days like I’ve had makes me sad. There’s something in me that wants to be this Mallory every day but I just don’t have the energy to care all the time.
img_20161021_221605Yesterday, I got to hang out with friends who I genuinely feel care of me and my well-being. Then after talking to all of them I felt more confused than before, and emotionally exhausted. This exhaustion is something I struggle with often. I give my 100% and wear myself out. There in lies the issue I struggle with. This Mallory above is exhausted.
I am either 100% or 0%–there’s no medium or middle ground for me. One things that I’ve always done is I find out about something that interests be and then I get obsessed with it. I center my life around it and then when something else comes along the old thing goes to 0%. Or if I want to help someone or plan something I will go so above and beyond to make it perfect.
My mom, whom I’m very close to, talked with me today. She said I needed to find that middle ground to be happy and that I’ve been pretending to be something I’m not. Well then who the hell am I? Who do I need to call to find out who that is? She also asked me where I saw myself in the next five years. I didn’t have an answer.
I have zero answers. This Mallory is at 0%.

“No amount of sleep in the world could cure the tiredness I feel.”

 Things that made me sad today:
  • Future
  • Hard Advise
Things that made me happy today:
  • Bob’s Burgers, Season 3, Episode 11: “Nude Beach”
  • “My Only Hope” by Mandy Moore
  • Friends

Chapter One: DiSC

I’m a D. 

img_20161018_203748If you’ve never heard of the DiSC assessment you’re missing out on some telltale knowledge about how your and everyone else’s mind works (More information here). I am a high D and have none of the other profiles. So, essentially I’m dominate, driven, and direct. I’ve spent the past year learning to communicate better with the other profiles as my staff I manage includes a DC, C, and an S. With my dominant tendency along with my strife for perfection and for being the best at everyone–it’s a little overwhelming.

I have been told that I’m annoying, most recently by someone very close to me. In the past, I’d accepted that my personality can be abrasive and annoying. That’s ok with me, because it’s me. Then I learned that this person was avoiding me because of this part of me–because of my legitimate personality.It hurt and sucked. There were a ton of other things said, but this is the thing that sticks out in my head.

The question becomes how much of a compromise do you make?

I spent a lot of time being OK with my personality assessment and using it to my advantage instead of seeing my aggreessiveness as a weakness.While I understand the bluntness coming from them (because they’re a C), it still sucked. Here’s the deal, this person says exactly what they mean and doesn’t pull punches–which means it was said in totally honesty. While I’ve accepted them it doesn’t feel like that feeling was/is reciprocated.  *insert sad face here*

Work has been better this week. It felt good yesterday and today being there. I’m just going to use that positive momentum. This “annoying” issue will remain, but we’re working on it. At some point in time we’ll see if it’s something they can compromise on. I just need to know it’s not my issue and I shouldn’t need to change who I am.

I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I’m not. 

-Kurt Cobain-

Things that made me sad today:

  • Thinking about going grocery shopping
  • Dealing with annoying customers
  • Not knowing where my future is headed

Things that made me happy today:

  • Having a dance session in the lobby
  • Reading some of my old stories
  • Falling back asleep and taking a catnap before work

Prologue

So here you are and here I am.

img_20161016_201604Before posting this I had a really long, really nonsensical draft, and then I scrapped it because it was dumb. Then I felt guilty because I was judging and editing my own thoughts–yet again.It wasn’t a great start to this project.

Let’s start fresh. There are three rules I am making for myself and this blog:

  1. I must be totally and brutally honest, no matter how hard it is.
  2. I must post three times a week, consistently for one year–that’s 156 posts.
  3. I must strive to be happy and enjoy the little things in life.

That’s seems reasonable. Maybe. OK, no, it terrifies me and I’m already regretting setting myself up for the failure that is sure to happen. One thing that I am not good at, is finishing things. It’s easier to quit then to experience the ultimate level of shame I’ll feel when it fails. This is how I’ve lived my life for a very long time. It’s exhausting and not very fulfilling.

I’ve reached a low in my life where there’s nothing that is sure. I’m not sure about my career, my love life, my home, my car, or my future. My hope is to sort through these things with all of you and come out better on the other side. For today, just starting a new project is huge for me. This is something I’ve wanted to tackle for awhile and it feels good to see it happen. With a few pills in one hand, a cat at my feet, and a laptop in my…well…lap– I’m ready to start this journey.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” -Laozi

THINGS THAT MADE ME SAD TODAY:

  • My relationship
  • My dirty clothes pile
  • Going to work tomorrow

THINGS THAT MADE ME HAPPY TODAY:

  • Cheesecake
  • Kind words from a friend
  • Bob’s Burgers- Season Six- Episode 14: The Hormone-iums (I watch Bob’s Burgers every single day. It makes me smile no matter how sad I might be).